Secrets
by PCGirl
Summary: Natalie makes a life changing decision after a series of unexpected circumstances and years later has to face the consequences of what she's done. Jolie.
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: All characters are property of ABC/Disney. I'm just, uhm, borrowing them for a bit.

A/N: Much thanks to Toni and MissDevon for helping me mold the beginning into something that I could work with. Enjoy! Until next time-ya'll are the best-PCGirl.

* * *

Natalie stood there staring at the papers in her hands—a new life, a new start. Everything from the past week had been crazy—one minute she was in London trying to be happy with the life she had, and then she received the e-mail from her Uncle Todd with a picture of John kissing Sam McCall.

She wondered if he was trying to get her to crumble—to fall into some deep abyss that was impossible to pull herself out of it. And she wanted to—but she needed a clear head so she'd come to the ranch in Texas to figure out what to do next. How to confront John about this and then find the strength to be able to walk away from him.

The day she was headed back to Llanview the flight she was supposed to be on from London, the one that everyone except immediate family thought she was on, crashed. There were no survivors, and somehow she was showing having checked her luggage and boarded the flight. Watching her picture on the news, them talking about the Buchanan heiress being one of those on the plane was surreal.

That's when she had this idea—to let John think she and Liam had died and start over, just have a do over on life and see what happened. Hearing her name she turned and saw Jessica walking into the room, "Hey."

"Hey," she said as she took her twins hands in hers and held them. "Are you sure you want to do this? Are you sure you want him to think you've died?"

"Yeah—I mean, we were already over anyways," she said as she pulled her hands back and wiped the tears from the corners of her eyes.

"But this is extreme—I mean, dead—really? It was a kiss—and you haven't even gotten his side of the story yet."

"If he was really sorry don't you think he would have traveled across the ocean and told me immediately about it, Jess? He didn't—he was acting like everything was fine. Why? So I could come home and then him tell me he's in love with someone else now?"

"You don't know that."

"I know I've had feelings for him for eight years. And I'm sure he can say the same, but there's always something more important than us or his family. So I'm giving him an out."

"It's a hell of an out," she said with a laugh.

"You open an e-mail from your estranged uncle and find out that your boyfriend is hiding a huge secret as you are thousands of miles away," she said, not finishing the sentence the way she wanted to—_raising his child as a single parent._

"He's not the only one holding a secret, Natalie," said Jessica as she looked down at her sister's stomach.

"Maybe it is better he never knew—unless you are going to tell him," she said with a raised eye brow.

"No—it's not my place, or any of the family. We are just glad to know you are alive and don't have to truly mourn you," she said as she pulled her sister into a hug. "I don't think either of our parent's hearts could have taken losing you," she whispered and felt tears starting to appear. Stepping back she wiped them away, "Do you know where you are going yet?"

"No—and I think I kinda like it that way," she said, wiping away tears that had started again. "But when I land there—and get settled you can visit me whenever you want—maybe even move there." Seeing Rex at the door she smiled, "I think the plane is ready—I love you, Jess."

"I love you too, Natalie," she said with one last hug and then walked off to join her siblings and parents to plan a funeral that was for someone very much alive.

* * *

Natalie sat in the corner of the bar watching the scene playing out before her, her hair dyed brunette and cut short, a baseball cap covering her face. The dye would fade away and the hair would grow back, but until the news of the crash had died down she knew she had to keep a low profile.

She had stayed out of Llanview during the funeral—but had heard how John had been doing. He spoke very little to her family before the funeral—nothing during and as soon as it was done had packed up what he had and left town.

So after a talk with Roxy late one night she'd decided to see how he was truly doing—as her adoptive mother had said—_no one can read Johnny like you Natty._ And that was the truth—so she'd sat there watching him drink in a corner alone. She'd thought about just ending this whole thing here—telling him the truth, until he made a phone call and Sam McCall rushed in a few minutes later like a lost puppy.

She'd seen Starr walk in and over to the bar, but she kept turning her head to watch the two sitting there quietly. She wondered how long until the fireworks began when she saw her cousin finally get up the courage and walk over there and knew the answer to her question.

"Are you proud of yourself, John? Does it feel good to know if you'd just stayed in Llanview Natalie would never have felt the need to London? That my aunt and cousins wouldn't be mourning her and that sweet sweet boy. Of course your track record with women is pretty crappy-they either go crazy or die. Except for my mom, thank God."

"I think that's enough," said Sam as she stood up and toe to toe with a Starr. Natalie had to grin—if the woman only knew what happens when you go head to head against a Cramer. She'd been ready to take on Kelly as long as it took—but as for Blair's spawn, that was a whole different kind of animal she wouldn't want to cross.

"And you," she said, pushing at Sam. "If you had kept your lips to yourself—"

"Excuse me?"

"I saw the picture—that night on the docks—the kiss you two shared. You should be ashamed of yourself," she said, now looking at John. "You and I had the same thing John—a soul mate and a beautiful child to raise together. For a few months you had it all and I had nothing. But now we're in the same boat again—at least I know I was faithful to Cole while he was alive. Can you say the same?" she asked and walked out.

Natalie noticed John had not said a word this whole time, but saw him hang his head down and stare into his drink. Looking at the door that her cousin had walked out of she felt bad for him for a few moments and then looking back saw Sam had sat back down next to him—way too close for her own comfort. Watching her take his hand and him hold it back was all she could take.

She'd made the right decision—a new life for her and her children. Whatever John did with his life from now on was none of her business and she'd make sure to drive that fact home with Roxy and anyone else that brought up his name.

* * *

_Five Years Later_

Natalie sat in the seat on the BE jet and looked out the window. She remembered landing at this air strip years before—with John, trying to stop her Uncle Todd from being executed. Actually it was her Uncle Victor but no one actually knew that at the time.

It was safer to land here instead of the main airport—a short drive to Llanview and then home to Llanfair. She had her disguise packed in the diaper bag—a dark brunette wig and baseball cap. Not much, but then it was just in case she was stopped at a red light next to someone who recognized her.

Looking at the seats across from her she saw Liam start to stir and then open those blue eyes to look over at her, "Hey buddy—we're almost there. Come sit by me," she said, patting the empty seat on one side of her. As he came over and snuggled against her she closed her eyes—it wasn't something she tried to think of often, but she still counted her blessings that she and Liam hadn't been on that flight from London all those years ago.

"Mama?" he said quietly.

"Yeah babe?"

"I miss Dad."

She sighed and held him tighter, "I do too. Maybe when we get home in a few weeks we can play a video with him on it."

"Ok, but it's not the same."

"No, it's not," she said, kissing his head, and then seeing the steward come over.

"Mrs Hennessy—we're going to be landing shortly—you should get the children ready."

"Thanks," she said as she undid her seatbelt and scooted Liam over to his seat. Leaning down she pushed the dark brown hair out of her other sleeping son and kissed his forehead. "Connor—sweetie—it's time to wake up. We're almost there."

As she watched his eyes open she smiled—even though the color of them was her shade of blue instead of John's the shape was his. Hearing movement behind her she turned and smiled, "Why am I not surprised you knew to wake up just now?" she said as she pulled the small bundle out and held her. When the beginning of a cry started she calmly stroked her back, "It's ok Alaina—we're almost home."


	2. Chapter 2

A/N: Apologies for any typos-I apparently was ready to post a few minutes ago and have found quiet a few. I think I've gotten them all now though. Enjoy!

* * *

Natalie walked into Llanfair and the two boys went running into the sitting area—despite her telling them to slow down for a second so she could get their jackets off. Hearing their squeals at seeing her Mom she stopped for a moment to take Alaina out of her carseat before joining them. "Boys—your coats," she motioned and they both pulled them off and handed them to her.

"Hey mom," she said as she over came and gave each other a kiss and hug.

"Hello, my cute little granddaughter that I rarely see," she said as she took Alaina and began walking her over to the mantle where one of the few pictures of Natalie as an infant was residing. "See—you look just like your mama—red hair and all," she smiled and looked back at Natalie. "You know—you could just move back here—let me get to raise her, help take the burden off not getting to raise you."

"Mom—we've had this conversation," she said as she watched the boys run off to see if Lois had any cookies in the kitchen. "I've got a job—a whole new life. And the boys love it there—plus not everyone in Llanview knows I'm alive, remember?"

"You are all alone now though."

"I have friends—and I have Aidan's family. I can't take their granddaughter away from them so soon after—," she said, stopping and getting quiet.

"Oh sweetheart, I know. I just don't want you to be sad, that's all," she said as she sat back down and Alaina reached for her.

Natalie smiled as she looked down at her nine month old daughter, "I can't be sad though when I look at what I do have. I am blessed that Liam and Connor had a man they loved and adored for the past four years who loved them as his own, and he blessed me with this angel right here."

Viki smiled back at her daughter—always so strong, "I'm glad you can say that. I remember what it was like with two small boys running around—and I'm sure Alaina adds more to the mix. If you want to go relax for a bit your father and I will be more than glad to watch them."

"Are you sure?"

"Of course. We don't get to see them that often."

"Thanks, mom," she said, giving her daughter a kiss and then going to find the boys to tell them where she was going.

* * *

John dumped his bag on the bed and closed the door. He'd decided on the drive from Port Charles to stay at the Minute Man. If he went to the hotel there would be questions from Roxy—and the memories also. And it wasn't just the last memory of kissing Natalie and Liam goodbye as they left for London that got to him—it was everything. Every single memory he'd ever made with Natalie hit him like freight train when he was in there—and he'd learned he still couldn't handle it.  
Maybe someday—but five years wasn't enough time yet.

That was why he left Llanview after the funeral—it was too many memories for him to handle, and yet the memories had never gone away—no matter how much he threw himself in his work at the PCPD it was never enough. He'd learned very early though that no woman in his bed would ever be the same as Natalie.

He sighed and sat down on the bed, pulling out a picture from his jacket pocket—the edges so worn he was beginning to worry it would rip. She'd been so happy in the picture—and he hoped she was somewhere above smiling back down at him now. He just wished she'd give him a sign on where to go next in his life—Port Charles was behind him, he'd turned in his resignation to Anna before heading this way.

Putting away the picture he got up and left the room—he came to Llanview for business, there was definitely no pleasure here anymore.

* * *

Natalie kept on walking—she had relaxed at the cottage for a bit, but wanted to go out—enjoy a town that had been home for so long. She'd put on her disguise again—slipping past people on the street she knew, but didn't recognize her.

She wished she had gotten to walk around with Aidan—show her this town that had meant so much to her. He'd seen it in drives from the airport to Llanfair, but never completely—not the heart of what made it tick. Capricorn, Buenos Dias Café, The Palace Hotel, Angel Square.

As she made her way to the cemetery gate she went in—she didn't know what was drawing her here. As she made it to the two empty graves that held her's and Liam's names she felt goosebumps. She hadn't been here before—and suddenly knew it was time to get back to Llanfair and her son that was so very much alive.

As she turned to leave though she heard footsteps and hid around the corner of the hedge. Hearing his voice say hey she felt her heart begin to beat out of her chest and wondered if he could hear it too. Looking around the edge she saw John sitting down on the bench that spanned the space between both empty plots.

He sat there quietly—not saying a word, just getting his thoughts in order first, "Sorry I don't come by enough. I guess that was always a problem for me—focusing on something else instead of what matters. Maybe if I'd gone with you two to London—I don't know—I'd be up there with you two instead of here alone.

"I see Gabe or hear through the grapevine how big Ryder is getting and it hurts so much. I know I was screwing things up at the end—not spending enough time with either of you.

"I'm so sorry for that. You were both my world—I hope you somehow know that," he said, hanging his head down and being again quiet.

"I'm here in town for the week. I think I'm finally ready to sell Rodi's and move on. Never from either of you though—know that you are still with me every second."

"Natalie," he said directly and then looked upwards. "You always were so good at helping me find direction when we were working on a case—or anything really. Just help me find that direction again—I need to find some happiness again in this life. It's been gone for a long time. Just—help," he sighed at the end.

Getting up he didn't say a word—just left the way he came in. As Natalie walked back out into the open she wiped the tears from her eyes. Over the past five years it was very rare for her to question the decision she made—and though she knew it was the right one, she was suddenly feeling a guilt she hadn't felt before.

* * *

Natalie walked into Rodi's and felt a rush of memories. Very little had changed, and while it made her happy that he'd kept it the same it also made her sad that there weren't more memories. Them teaching their boys how to play pool—nights closing up Rodi's together like they did for those few brief months before another ghost needed avenging.

After hearing John talk in the cemetery she called a realtor and was now posing as a potential buyer for the place. The realtor had received another call and told her to look around—she'd be inside in a minute. So here she was—standing in an empty bar that meant so much to her again wearing this damn wig with a baseball cap and sunglasses.

She'd told Aidan about this place—the memories it held and he'd understood. They had their own places—and she knew with time she could again visit them and not feel sadness at the memories they contained.

She hadn't even really been thinking of buying Rodi's—wasn't planning on moving back to Llanview at all, but the thought of someone buying the place who didn't know the history of the place didn't sit well with her. Maybe that was why John bought it from Mac in the first place—the idea of it turning into anything but a cop bar wasn't right.

Looking over at the jukebox she saw the picture and went to study it—it was of her and Liam, she was laughing at something as he became shy and put his head on her shoulder, that pacifier in his mouth as he chomped on it with all his might. Beneath was a small golden plaque with the words _In Loving Memory_ etched in it.

Recognizing the footsteps coming in the building she immediately began cursing—it was stupid of her to come here while she knew he was in town. She should of just waited—because now she was stuck in here and disguise or no had no way to get out without him seeing her face.


	3. Chapter 3

A/N: Glad everyone is loving this-and I forgot to say last time that the scene with Starr vs. Sam was completely because of MissDevon here-she suggested it and I think it went great. Enjoy! Until next time-ya'll are the best-PCGirl.

* * *

John walked in and over to the bar—trying to ignore the person that was there looking to buy the place, "Sorry—I'm just getting some paperwork."

He didn't want to be here—wanted the place sold—you can't erase memories, but letting go of something that holds a big part of them has to help. Behind the bar he finally looked at the potential buyer and saw she was looking at the picture he'd asked be hung up of Natalie and Liam.

"That's—that was my family, I lost them a few years ago," he said quietly and watched her nod. He turned and began talking to himself, "This place is known as a cop bar—you know if you are planning on changing that?"

Not getting a response he looked back to see she was starting to leave, and there was something in the way she walked. He thought his mind had stopped playing this game with his head—where'd he'd see a woman in a crowd and think it was Natalie until he reached her and suddenly he'd crash back into reality that it would never be her.

But that feeling kept nagging at him so he quickly walked around the bar and to the person, grabbing her arm and turning her around. Despite the glasses, the hat, the absolutely wrong color hair he suddenly saw himself staring at a ghost that had been haunting him for five years.

After a few more moments he raised his hand and pulled off the glasses, expecting to see green or brown eyes—but when he saw the blue eyes looking back at him he felt his breath hitch.

Stepping away he wiped his face and looked back to see she was still there. What the hell was happening? He hadn't touched a bottle in months—and here she was. "Natalie," he said, his voice still shaky.

"John—just let me walk away. Please."

He'd heard that voice so many times in his dreams over the years that for a moment he actually thought maybe he had fallen asleep. But here she was—asking him to let her walk away without any explanation so he laughed, "Are you kidding me? You're—alive. And Liam?"

"He's fine," she said, praying for a sudden sink hole to appear beneath her feet and swallow her whole.

Hearing the heels of the realtor coming across the wooden floor both stopped the conversation and looked at the doorway. "Oh—you've met the owner," she said, smiling at both of them.

"Yes—we were just talking. Turns out we know each other and have a lot of catching up to do," said John, not letting Natalie try to slip out of the bar without explaining everything.

"Oh," she said, pulling out a business card and handing it to Natalie. "Well, Mrs Hennessy if you need anything just give me a call."

"Hennessy?" he asked and looked down at her hand to see a wedding ring. "Guess my invitation got lost in the mail."

She wanted to feel empathy for him, but couldn't quiet reach it at the moment, "I'm sorry I let you think we were dead this whole time. Now I need to get back to Liam and—."

"Your husband?" he snapped.

"No—he's dead," she snapped back. This was never how she pictured telling him—maybe because she'd come to peace with it somehow that she would never see him again so she didn't have to. "I shouldn't have come here. And what are you doing here anyways? Right after the funeral you left town, didn't you?"

"You knew that?" he asked and started to put some pieces of the puzzle together. "Who all knew at the funeral that you were alive?"

"My siblings and my parents. Bo didn't even find out until recently so don't go attacking him or Nora for not telling you."

Running a hand through his hair he leaned over the bar and brought back a bottle of whiskey. "Why Natalie?"

She thought about it—did she really want to unearth a decision she made five years ago right here, right now? He deserved an answer so she walked over and leaned against the pool table, giving each of them enough space that maybe the anger would dissipate some. "I received an e-mail with you kissing Sam McCall so I left London on the BE jet with Rex and Jess. We went to the Ranch to think—to let me clear my head and decide what the hell I was doing next. The next thing I know the flight we were supposed to be on crashes—and somehow it shows that I was physically on that flight."

"If you saw the picture you should have called."

"You should have come and told me immediately about the damn kiss."

"So what? You decided to fake your death to get revenge on me for a kiss that meant nothing."

"Did it? If it meant nothing you would have told me immediately," she said and then laughed. "My God—I think I said those same words to Marty once after we kissed in the cabin and then at Llanfair."

He ignored her comparing herself to Marty—maybe when he wasn't seeing red at the whole situation he would correct the statement, but not now, "You still haven't answered my question—why."

"Because I had our children to think about. Because I didn't want them to have a father who constantly found another ghost to avenge. I was tired of it John," she shouted—not realizing her mistake in words, though John had heard it.

"Children? You were pregnant?"

"I," she said and cursed to herself. "Yes—you have another child—a son. I wanted to tell you in person, but you were never around to do so."

John chuckled to himself and took another shot of whiskey, "And the hits keep coming. What did you name him?"

"Connor Joseph McBain. You don't have to be a part of his life—or Liam's—they've done fine without you for five years, what's another fifty," she said and walked out.

He let her walk away—he needed to get his head on straight and wondered if she would leave town tonight or actually wait this time so they could finish this discussion.

* * *

Bo Buchanan walked into Rodi's expecting a disaster and that's what he saw. He'd gotten a call from Natalie telling him John had found out the truth and she'd left him alone here, with a bottle in his hand. Could he give him a few hours and then check on him.

"I thought I'd find you here," he said as he pulled up a stool next to his friend who was sitting there staring at an empty shot glass.

John looked at his friend and chuckled, "Why the hell does she care if I get plastered drunk?"

"Because you matter to her in some way."

"I didn't matter when she let everyone think she was dead. But it wasn't everyone—her parents and siblings knew. But the father of her child? Who cares about him? Let's let him believe his entire life is scattered across the Atlantic becoming fish food," he said and threw a shot back.

"They fooled me too, John. For way too long."

"How did you find out?"

"There was a stack of photos that Jessica had taken with the kids to visit Natalie—I was waiting to talk to Clint about something and picked them up. You should have seen the look I gave my brother when he walked in and I'm holding this picture of Natalie, Jessica, Ryder, and Liam."

"You should have knocked his block off for me," John said with a laugh and put away the bottle.

"I wanted to—but more so I wanted to see my niece and great-nephew. Get answers to all the questions I had," he said and watched John nod. "In the end I was just happy they were alive."

John nodded again and watched his friend leave the bar. He was right—they were alive, that was what mattered the most, but he still had a lot of questions yet to be answered. He needed to sober up and get his head on straight first before heading over to Llanfair.


	4. Chapter 4

John knocked on the cottage door—still a little irked at the phone call from earlier. He'd called to Llanfair to tell Natalie he wanted to come over and talk, but it had been Clint who answered the phone and then hung back up on him when he asked for Natalie.

He'd actually been about to drive over and break down the damn door when she called him back—apologizing for her dad and suggested they meet at the cottage—she was staying there with the kids anyways.

When she answered the door he took her in—the hair back to his firey red, which was much better than the dark brunette wig she'd had on earlier. She looked good—the years hadn't changed her much, it must have been the happiness she had in knowing her world was still intact while his wasn't.

"Sorry about my dad again," she said as she came in and sat down. "You wanted to talk?"

"Yeah," he said, noting the place was quiet. "Where are the boys?"

"Jessica took them, Ryder, and Bree out for ice cream."

"I want to see them Natalie," he said in a direct statement, his anger at the situation rising again.

"It'll be my decision when—I'm their mother."

He gritted his teeth, "And I'm their father. No matter what you did five years ago, I'm still a part of them. And I want to be a part of their lives."

"I know," she said softly and picked up a photo album before sitting down on the couch. "I have pictures—if you want to see them."

It was a start—something at least so he sat down. Seeing Liam's face older than the last time he saw him he felt tears stinging his eyes and pushed them away, "He's so big. I would have these images in my mind on what he was looking like—comparing his traits to Gabe's, but it's real now—you know?"

Natalie nodded, "He's like you—in so many ways, especially holding things close to the heart, probably for too long."

"Before you said your husband died—he's taking it hard?"

"Very. In his mind that was his father—he misses him and though he's a few years younger I keep thinking of you after your dad died. Maybe—if you want to, you don't have to—but after you get to know him talk to him about it. Tell him you know what he's going through because of yours and that life has to go on."

"Sure," he nodded, not wanting that smiling little boy he saw here to turn into a brooding mirror image of himself. Flipping the page he found a picture of Connor and studied it more—longer than Liam's. He had Liam's features memorized, but this little boy—he was new, a stranger really, but he could feel a connection to him. "He has my eyes—well, the shape. The color—it's more yours," he said, looking at Natalie and seeing her eyes filled with tears.

She nodded, and took a breath before speaking, "I've always said that—the hair color I think he gets that from Kevin—it's not as dark as yours. Personality wise he's more like Michael—or what you told me about him from your childhood. He'll do something—something so completely not Liam and Aidan would look at me wondering where the hell that came from. I would laugh and tell him he had to have gotten that from his Uncle Mike." Looking up from the picture she looked at John and laughed at the look on his face. "It's not like he's an axe murderer, John."

"No," he laughed as well. "But you are going to have your hands full when they hit the teenage years."

That stopped her in her tracks—he said _you_ and not _we._ Making her wonder exactly how long he was planning on being in their sons' lives. It was more Liam she was worried about than Connor—she couldn't let him come into his life for awhile and then out of it again—not when she was seeing what Aidan's death was already doing to him.

The silence was broken by the sound of a baby crying and John finally noticed the baby monitor sitting on a side table partially hidden by the lamp base. "I—I need to take care of my daughter. You can take the album with you if you want."

When she returned a few minutes later with Alaina she was surprised to see John still sitting there looking over the album, "John—why are you still here?"

He didn't say anything at first—looked at the small child she was holding in her arms. They'd been talking about their boys and the sudden sound of the child crying had shocked him. The idea of Natalie having a child that wasn't his tilted his world a bit, but of course she would have another child—she was a wonderful mother.

"Hi," he said softly, waving at the baby who hadn't unlocked her gaze yet from the new person in the room.

Natalie noticed he didn't answer her question and sat down, this time in the chair and not next to John, "This is Alaina, my daughter."

He smiled at the name—and thought how she looked so much like her mom, "The boys must love her."

"They do—they are already very protective big brothers," she said. John had tried to be a protective big brother once, she thought, but the avenging of her death years later was what brought their relationship to an end.

"You said Aidan a minute ago—that was your husband?"

She nodded, "He died of a brain tumor four months ago."

"Tell me about him," said John softly.

"Who? Aidan? Why?"

"Because he's been the father to our boys for the past five years—because he's the only father Connor has known. They love him—I feel like I need to know as much as I can about him."

Natalie nodded—it was understandable for him to ask questions, "He's from Chicago originally. Father was a cop—brother is a cop," she said, as she thought about how he had that in common with John. There was little—but there was that. "It was my first case with the police department and I was nervous as hell."

"Why? You are good at your job Natalie—you always have been."

"Thanks," she said, putting her head down and pushing her hair behind her ear. "I walk on and he's the lead detective. He liked my logic—I noticed things and asked questions he didn't think about."

"You've always been good at that too," he said with a half smirk.

She didn't say anything this time to his compliment, but instead continued to study the top of Alaina's hair and running her hand over the silky red curls, "Before long he was asking for me specifically on cases. I wasn't in any rush to get into a relationship—I had two young boys to take care of at home, and didn't have the support system I did here.

"I'd been there about five months when we finished another case—he asks me to come out for a beer. Told him I couldn't because I had two small kids at home and no one to watch them. He showed up a couple hours later with a pizza," she smiled at the memory.

John saw the look on her face and understood it. It was the small things that always meant the most to her—and as small as this may have seemed to Aidan in the beginning, it was huge that he was interested in her and the kids.

"It became a weekly thing—then Roxy came out to stay and we would go on dates on our own," she said getting quiet for a moment. "Do you know the real difference between him and you?"

John wasn't sure he wanted to hear it, but nodded and waited for a response.

"At five o'clock he'd close the case file and not think about it until the next day—or was pretty good at hiding it if it was a trying case. The time from when he walked out of the station he focused on life—on me and the kids. He never had any long forgotten ghosts he needed to avenge."

John nodded—he understood what she was saying. It was something he needed to work on—wanted to work on, if it meant getting access to his kids. Standing up he stuck his hands in his pockets, "I better get going—give the boys a kiss for me, ok?"

"Ok," she said quietly and watched him walk out of the cottage. Kissing the top of Alaina's head she wondered how much of everything she just told him sunk it—and did she want him to be a part of their lives again.


	5. Chapter 5

John felt nervous and could feel his stomach doing flips as he walked to the park. Natalie had called—said they were headed over here and wondered if he wanted to come by. He was surprised at how willing she seemed for him to see his sons, but he wasn't going to pass up the opportunity.

Reaching the entrance he saw Natalie pushing Alaina on the baby swing, but didn't see the boys in sight. He smiled as Alaina gave out a laugh at being pushed and seemed to smile at him as he made his way over, "I haven't said it before—but I'm hating the wig."

Natalie laughed herself as she scratched her scalp, "I don't like it much either—but it's a necessity. The boys just went up to the slide—I'll call them over in a few minutes. I'm going to introduce you as an old friend—don't take offense, ok?"

"I won't," he shook his head, because that's what they had been at first—friends, it was just the relationship part they constantly screwed up.. It hurt that the boys didn't know him from a stranger on the street—but he kept thinking this was a long process and unless he wanted to get the courts involved it really all hinged on Natalie's decisions.

He watched as Liam came down the slide and sighed at seeing him—it still didn't feel real. When Connor came down he grinned—the idea of having a second son still was new to him, but he enjoyed it.

"Boys, come here," said Natalie as she stopped swinging Alaina for a moment and watched as they came over. "I want you to meet a friend of mine—his name is John."

"Hi," they both said shyly.

John just smiled—his heart felt like it was going to burst and what he wanted to do, hold them both tight, wasn't right for the moment. As they ran off to play catch John looked around and sat down on one of the swings, moving back and forth while watching them. It was a miracle he never thought he'd get to see and yet—he'd missed so much, "I wish you had told me you were pregnant," he said softly.

"I wasn't going to be an obligation, John," she said, not looking at him but keeping her eyes on the boys.

John laughed, "You could never be just an obligation. Who knows—maybe it would have reminded me what was important in this world."

"We still would have had to dealt with that kiss—whether I told you or not."

"If you hadn't found out about that kiss," he gulped, "You would have been on that damn plane."

Natalie nodded, "Guess I should send Sam some flowers as a thank you gift. And my Uncle Todd while I'm at it."

"I don't think Todd is really the flower type," he laughed back. "I'm sorry about the kiss—it was stupid. Does it help that there was liquor involved?"

"Not really. And I figured there had to be liquor involved. You aren't stupid enough otherwise to kiss a married mob princess," she said, giving him a half grin as Liam ran back over. "Hey—you two done already?"

"Connor sucks at playing catch," said Liam very loudly, causing both John and Natalie to hold in a laugh.

"Mom! Liam said a bad word," shouted Connor as he ran over also.

It took Natalie everything she had to not burst out laughing, "Yes he did—Liam, he's younger, he isn't good at catch yet, but with practice he'll be just as good. Just give him time, ok?"

"Want me to throw with you?" asked John, getting up off the swing.

"Sure," said Liam happily.

"Ok, but we have to help your brother like your mom said," he said as they walked off a bit.

Natalie stood there watching the scene play out in front of her—John leaning down to show Connor how to actually hold the ball, ruffling his hair some and then spreading out so it was actually Connor who was throwing to him and then he to Liam. It felt like a dream—a dream she hadn't had in a very long while where the two men that mattered the most in her life were getting to spend an afternoon with their dad.

She felt the tears falling and couldn't help it—the guilt at hiding the boys from John was overwhelming her at the moment. She let them continue to catch for awhile before walking over, "Alright boys—it's time to go home."

"Mom," groaned both. "Can't we just play a little longer?"

"Yeah, mom," grinned John, leaving Natalie wondering where that came from.

"No—it's almost dinner time."

"Can John join us?" asked Liam.

"I—I don't know. He might have plans tonight."

"Do you have any plans, John?"

John laughed, "No, but only if your mom says it's ok."

"Mom?" he asked and she couldn't say no to those blue eyes at the moment. Not when they'd been sad about losing Aidan for the past four months.

"Ok. One more trip down the slide and we're going," she said and watched them run off.

"You ok with me coming for dinner?" he asked.

She nodded, "They are your children John—I've taken enough time from you already. I'll see you in say—forty minutes?"

"I'll be there," he smiled and walked off—feeling less anxious about the whole situation now.

* * *

Natalie stood at the kitchen window in the cottage talking with her sister, "It was amazing. He just jumped right into playing with the boys. No qualms. No fears."

"I've never known John McBain to fear anything," said Jessica, _except losing you,_ she thought quietly to herself.

"That's true. He loves them still—why was I so stupid to take that away from him?"

"Cause you were scared."

"I still am," she admitted. "What if this is just a phase? What if he wakes up in a few months and decides that he doesn't want to be a dad after all?"

"Stop worrying—you said it yourself, he loves them."

"There's still Alaina—you remember how he was with Liam when he thought he wasn't his. Wanted nothing to do with him—despite all the chances that Brody and I gave him in the beginning. What has changed so he won't be like that now?"

"Time. Experience," she said as the doorbell rang. "Does it matter right now? What was it Aidan always said?"

"Live for the moment," she said with a partial smile.

"Then do it. Enjoy watching John interacting with his boys. The rest can wait," she said, giving her a hug and walking to the door. "Hey, John."

"Hey. Bye," he said as he watched Jessica leave, wondering exactly what the two sisters had been talking about.

"Boys are upstairs playing—pizza should be here soon."

"Pizza? I thought I'd get a home cooked meal," he joked and leaned down greet Alaina who was sitting in her play pen, and picked her up when she put her arms up to be held.

"It's Liam's favorite and it was his turn to choose dinner," she said and turned to see John standing there holding her daughter.

"Why am I not surprised? You ate it all the time when you were pregnant with him," he joked and smiled at the baby he was holding. Seeing the look Natalie was giving him he apologized, "Sorry—she wanted to be held."

"No, it's ok," she said and suddenly felt like she needed to get the boys downstairs. Maybe she'd been worried over nothing, that what really mattered at the moment was John getting to enjoy his kids—the rest could wait.


	6. Chapter 6

John nodded at seeing her walk into Rodi's and tossed her the keys to lock the front door as he finished his phone call, "Hey Mike—I need to go."

"Natalie?"

"What?" he asked as she came back over and put the keys on the bar then took off the baseball cap that was hiding her red locks.

"Natalie—I'm assuming you are at Rodi's closing up and she just got there."

"Whatever, Mike," he grinned and hung up the phone.

"So how bad does Michael hate me?" she asked as she grabbed a few nuts out of a bowl sitting there.

"Hates a harsh word—though he wasn't very happy with me when I told him his new nephew plays catch as well as he does."

"John-."

"Yeah, that was mean. But you know Connor is only five—he'll be better than Michael in no time."

She laughed—a week ago when he'd found out the truth she'd never imagined it would be like this. They'd been spending time together so the boys could get used to him—though to them he was still just a good friend. She was planning on heading back to Chicago in two days and had come by to discuss the plans on how she could keep John in their life while he was not close by. "So how much do you hate me?"

John thought about it before he spoke, "I can't hate you for being alive, Natalie. And I can't hate you for giving me access to my children again. It's the action I hate."

"I guess that's something," she smiled.

"Can I ask you a question though? Did Aidan know?"

Natalie nodded, "Yeah."

"How did he find out the truth?"

"Roxy," she said with an eye roll and realized she couldn't look John in the eye as she told this story so she kept her head down, studying the grain markings on the countertop. "She said something about my childhood that didn't match with what I said so he started digging.

"When I got there I changed my last name to Natalie Riley. Well, he found out that Natalie Riley didn't exist until 2012. But Natalie Balsom Buchanan Vega Banks did."

"Ouch. Take it was pissed."

"And beyond. He calls me into his office and has your number on a piece of paper. Told me to plead my case to not call and tell you we were alive along with a son you knew nothing about."

"Must have been a hell of a plea," he said leaning on the bar and staring at the juke box, not able to look at her anymore.

"It was," she said, remembering the near sex that happened on his desk afterwards.

John stood up, "So he decided what—because I thought you both were dead he'd just let Liam call him daddy?" he asked, his anger for a dead man rising up.

Natalie finally made eye contact with John, "I'm not sure what his reason was at the time. He put the number away and didn't really bring it up again. I guess he saw us as two separate lives. Yours and his."

John nodded again, "Guess it doesn't matter anymore, does it?"

"No. You've got your boys back—or at least somewhat for now. I wanted to come by so we can talk visitation. I mean—they don't know you are their dad—but I figured if you wanted to come for visits every so often you are more than welcome to."

"Actually, I got a job offer today."

"Really?" she asked, wondering if he was going back into the FBI. He didn't seem to want to stay in Llanview anymore.

"Yeah. It's actually in Chicago—about 30 minutes from your precinct."

"Really?" she said again, surprised that he would take the initiative to do something like that.

"Yeah—I haven't taken it. I wanted to make sure you were ok with the idea first. I guess I jumped the gun, should have asked you before I even inquired about it. I—I've just missed so much time already that I wanted to be nearby. Enjoy what's left of their childhood before they become hell raising teenagers."

"And you are going to be helping even more when they become hell raising teenagers," she laughed.

"I wouldn't miss it," he said as he pulled out a beer. "You want one?"

"Uhm—sure. The boys and Ryder are having a sleepover and mom is once again enjoying watching Alaina for the night, and will probably remind me tomorrow how she didn't get to watch me sleep as a 9 month old," she laughed.

"You ever think about moving back here?"

"Not unless I want to dye my hair permanently brunette," she joked taking a sip. "Seriously though—I'm loving Chicago. It's become a new normal to me, and I really don't want to change too much so soon for the boys. What about you? Still selling this place?"

"No—I was selling it because I thought it would somehow ease the pain of losing you. But turns out I didn't—well, at least Liam. And I got Connor as a bonus," he smiled, surprised how easy it was to get back into a rhythm with her.

"You know—when I was pregnant with him I kept imagining I was having this little red haired girl to go along with my dark haired-blue eyed boy. And Instead I was given this little brown haired boy with eyes that were shaped like yours—I wouldn't trade him for the world."

"You eventually got your red head with Alaina."

"Yeah," she smiled.

"So—since we're both leaving this town in a few days—what do you say about one last pool game? For old times sake?" he asked, already walking out from behind the bar.

"I—sure," she said nervously and wondered why she would be nervous playing with him.

As John watched her miss a shot she used to always get he grinned, "A little rusty aren't we?"

"I could say the same—when was the last time you actually played?"

"Five years," he said very bluntly and took a deep gulp of his beer. "It was how we met you know—me being a cocky FBI agent and you a pool shark that didn't know her worth. And it became more through the years, you know?"

"Yeah," said Natalie quietly, she had played some over the years, but it never felt the same.

John walked over to her and pushed back a lock of hair that had fallen out of the pony tail. The touch sent a shock through his system—something he hadn't felt in years. Stepping closer, mere centimeters apart he started to lean down to see if she tasted the same and hearing her say his name made him back up. "I'm—I'm sorry—I guess it was just-."

"Playing a game of pool—almost made us forget what year it is, right?" she answered.

"Yeah, that's it."

"I think I'm going to go—I don't get many nights of singledom anymore, I better enjoy it," she laughed and walked to the door before realizing she'd locked in when she came in. Hearing his footsteps she held her breath as he reached around and unlocked the door. Looking up at him she realized how close his mouth was again to hers and gulped, "Goodnight, John."

"Goodnight, Natalie," he said and let her walk off into the night.

* * *

"Good morning," said Jessica as she opened her front door and let Natalie in. "The boys are upstairs playing—you know they'll start begging for more time the second they know you are here."

"We'll give them a few more minutes then," she said as she walked into the living room and sat down on the couch and ran her hands over her face. She hadn't slept last night—every time she'd close her eyes she saw his mouth coming towards hers and then stopping. But it had been good he'd stopped—they weren't in a place to start a relationship up again she kept telling herself.

"Hey—what's going on?"

"I almost kissed John last night," she said quietly.

"Oh," she said, coming and sitting down next to her sister. She knew it was bound to happen—just surprised it was this soon, "What stopped you?"

"I didn't stop anything—he did. I don't know if he stopped because he knows I'm still grieving for Aidan, but hell, I was conceiving Liam with him on that damn pool table seven months after Jared died."

"Really didn't need to know where Liam was conceived, Natalie."

"Sorry," she laughed. "I—I just don't know what to do. I loved Aidan so much—I still do. Maybe it was just being at Rodi's alone together that caused that moment last night."

"And if it is you will be back in Chicago tomorrow."

"John's moving there—he told me last night."

"Really?"

Natalie nodded, "He doesn't want to miss any more time with the boys. I can't run away from these feelings—but I feel like it's wrong to Aidan's memory. It's too soon. I don't know what to do, Jess."

Rummaging through her bag Jessica pulled out a disc and handed it over, "Watch this—I think it will help."

"Where? Did Aidan—?" she said, unable to finish.

"It'll be ok," she said as she leaned down and kissed her on the top of the head and left the room.

Natalie felt her hand shake a little as she put the dvd into the machine and sat back down before pressing play. Seeing his face fill the screen she felt the tears begin, and after wiping them away for a second gave up and let them fall.

"Hey sweetheart," he said, waving at the screen.

Natalie waved back as she grabbed a Kleenex. He looked so tired—his eyes weren't as bright as they should be and she wondered when he did this.

"I sent you off for some ice cream so Jess could help me make this."

_Hey Natalie. I love you._ She heard her sister say in the background, and she glanced at the hallway her sister had gone down, wondering if she was standing out of sight crying as well.

"I want to start off by saying thank you. Thank you for letting me be a part of your boys lives—even if it was only for a short time. Getting to be their dad for the past four years was amazing—and I hope they'll remember me and some of the adventures we had.

"Next—thank you for Alaina. She's a hundred percent her mom so it hurts that I won't get to see you try and tackle yourself as she grows older.

"I love you, Natalie. I think that first day when you walked into my crime scene I was a goner," he said and gave a look off screen. "Sorry—bad choice of words. I love you and I love our children. There are two things I want for you and the kids in this world. I want you to find happiness again—somehow, some way—and not just in the kids, find love with another person.

"Because that brings me to part two—they need a father figure in their life. Someone who will protect them beyond all cost. Yes—there's you and I know you are completely capable of that. But the boys," he took a breath before he spoke next and due to the amount of tears she couldn't tell if he was pain or just trouble putting the words together.

"They need their father. Find McBain—tell him everything. If he walks away again then he's just a bloody idiot—but if he doesn't, and the love you find is him and the boys get a father again with him then all the better. I love you, sweetheart—always."

When the screen faded to dark she crumpled onto the couch and heard footsteps come back into the room. She felt Jessica pick her up and hold her, "I still miss him so much," she whispered.

"Of course you do," she said as she pushed Natalie back a little so she could see her face. "Whatever happens next—whatever it is that you and John find in Chicago. Whether it's just learning to be parents together or it's more—Aidan would want it. His family's happiness was what mattered the most to him in the end—don't ever forget that. Ok?"

"Ok," said Natalie with a faint smile and a nod. And hearing the sudden footsteps running above her she reminded that whatever happened in Chicago the most important thing was those two boys having a father figure again.


	7. Chapter 7

John walked onto the crime scene and smiled at seeing her there—she was so deep into work mode that she hadn't seen him come over yet. It had been so long since he'd gotten to actually watch her do a job she was damn good at that he stepped back and observed for a few minutes before she stood up and turned to see him there, "Hey."

"What the hell are you doing here? This is our jurisdiction, John."

He couldn't help but grin at her being all professional at the moment. Truth was he had caught himself grinning too many times since that night at Rodi's, "Well, I was tired of us playing phone tag for the past week and thought I'd stop by and say hi."

"What? You—that's not the John McBain I know," she said, getting totally flustered.

John finally chuckled and walked forward a bit—giving enough space though so it still stayed professional, "Apparently we'd been watching your victim here for a month. And as the new guy they sent me over to see what you could tell me."

"Oh. I—well," she stuttered, still flustered at him being here.

"You must be McBain," said another detective who had walked over.

"Yeah? And you are?"

"Andrew," he said as he held out a hand. "One of your guys called and said they were sending you over. You know Natalie?" he asked, looking over at her.

"John—Andrew was Aidan's partner for years."

"Sorry to hear about that, man."

"Thanks. How do you know Natalie?"

John looked at Natalie—he wasn't sure if she was ready to say the truth or not so he put the ball in her court, "John is the boys' father."

"And this whole time I thought there was a sperm donor. No one could be stupid enough to walk away from her," he grinned.

"Yeah, well things happened," said John, not about to start an argument with a stranger.

Andrew nodded, "Well, why don't you walk this way and we'll discuss the case."

"Sure," said John as he followed Andrew away, taking one last glance at Natalie who gave him a half smile.

* * *

John sat at his desk staring into space—halfway through talking with Andrew Natalie had finished her assessment and went back to the station. He wondered if he should try to call. He wasn't upset by the way Andrew talked to him—it wasn't Natalie's fault that the near stranger didn't know the truth. Actually, everyone that deserved to know what happened already did—anyone else asked and he'd tell them to butt the hell out.

Hearing a knock at the door he looked up to see Andrew standing there, "Hey. If there's something about the case you could have called—no reason to drive all this way."

"Actually, it's not about the case," he said, twirling an envelope in his hands. "Aidan and I had been partners for years—I always had his back, and I never questioned him having mine when we went into a situation. It was towards the end when he gave this to me. Said he never knew if our paths would cross, but would I do him a favor and give this to you if they did."

"Thanks," said John, taking the letter and staring at his name written in a stranger's handwriting.

"It's none of my business really, but with Aidan being my partner Natalie means something to me. I don't know her whole story, but she's been through a lot these past few months. So have those kids. Don't put them through more."

John nodded and waited until the man was out of sight before closing the door and sitting down on his couch with the letter.

_John,_

_It feels weird writing a letter you never know if the person will receive, but at this point it feels necessary. If you are reading this then it means you have somehow found your way back into Natalie's life. I hope you are feeling grateful for them being alive, if not more._

_Those boys of yours are amazing and I hope you can finally be the father they deserve. I'm sorry for helping Natalie keeping them from you—it wasn't right and after holding Alaina in my arms I understand what you must have felt when you thought you lost Liam. _

_Alaina—she's a fire cracker and a hundred percent her mom. I hope you can love her—hope you've somehow changed since you thought Liam wasn't yours. Loving and accepting her will make the next part easier._

_That brings me to our Natalie. Yes, I said ours because a part of her has still belonged to you. It wasn't always noticeable, but there were specific days in which I could see her mind wandering to another time. She's stubborn and strong willed—will never admit she needs love from anyone else but the kids—but we both know better._

_A lot of men would be afraid to take on an immediate family, especially one that might not totally contain a part of their DNA, but you two were almost there before—if you can find it in your heart to forgive Natalie then give it a shot. I don't think you will be sorry._

_Aidan_

John put the letter down and let out a breath—it was a lot to take in, but then he'd already thought about almost everything that the other man had touched on. He was surprised when his cell phone rang, and smiled when he got it off the desk and saw it was Natalie, "Hey."

"Hey—are you in the middle of something?"

"No, why?"

"You just sounded distracted. I wanted to say sorry about what Andrew said earlier."

"Don't worry about it—he doesn't know the whole story. What's going on?" he asked as he folded up the letter and put it in his jacket pocket.

"I have two very hyper boys over here and they keep constantly asking if you'll come over to play catch. There's a diner down the street from me—the burgers aren't Rodi's but they are pretty good. Want to come over and I'll buy dinner?"

"Sounds great," he said as he wrote down the address she gave him before hanging up and calling it a day.

* * *

John watched as Natalie walked back into the living room after putting Alaina to bed and checking on the boys one more time. She'd also changed into a worn out t-shirt and her hair was in a sloppy pony tail. He never thought she'd looked more beautiful.

"Thank you," said Natalie as she sat down on the couch and handed John a beer.

"What did I do?"

"You wore them out—that's what you did," she laughed. "With Alaina it's hard for me to do that on my own and watch her."

"Well, I guess I'll just be the official ball boy with them," he joked.

"That works."

"So are we going to ignore the elephant in the room? The one that started in Rodi's and has been following us around all day."

"What? The one where you almost kissed me?"

He wasn't going to argue that he was sure she would have gladly reciprocated at the time, "Yeah—that."

"Why did you stop?"

"I guess I wanted to make sure you were ok with it—like you said, make sure that it wasn't just the place that caused those feelings to surface. So what do you say?"

"What? Turn out the lights and make out," she laughed. "No matter what feelings I may or may not have—I don't think it's the right time to start diving into those waters."

"I get it—it's too soon after Aidan."

"Yes, some of it is that, but more so the kids—I don't want to confuse them by jumping into a new relationship so soon. Unless you like the idea of sneaking behind our kids' backs for a quicky at a no-tell motel."

John laughed at her description and got up off the couch to leave, "Ok—we'll try slow then."

"You're leaving?" she asked as she got up also.

"Yeah, because if I don't—then I might not be able to go slow," he said as he took her hand and kissed it before leaving.

Natalie stared at the door and grinned for a moment before walking back to check on the kids one last time—glancing again at the door. Because they both knew slow was not a word they would ever use for their relationship in the past—so this was about to get interesting.


	8. Chapter 8

When the doorbell went off Natalie watched Connor go running for the door, "Ask who it is before you open it."

"Who is it?" he asked.

"John."

"Hey, John," he grinned as he opened the door and then went running off.

"Hi," smiled Natalie as she walked over holding Alaina who was dressed up in a pink dress and her curls being held back with a barrette.

"Hey there beautiful," he said as he leaned over to kiss Alaina's cheek, who giggled in response. Looking around and seeing the boys had run off somewhere he followed suit with the same for Natalie.

Natalie blushed and laughed as Alaina put her arms out for him to hold her. "Hold on sweetheart," he said as he found a place to set down the presents he'd brought for her birthday party.

"She's only one John," she said as she actually moved them to where the rest of the presents were.

"Yeah, well wait until Christmas and the boys' birthday's—I have five years to get caught up on with them."

She shook her head and heard the doorbell, "Maybe I should take her. Just in case-," she said as she scooped her daughter back into her arms who became argumentative at being taken away from him. They'd had this conversation the other day when he'd been over for dinner—how this party was actually more for Aidan's family, that the Buchanan's were going to throw a separate party when she went back to visit the next time.

"Or maybe I should just go—let me tell the boys bye first."

"No, they want you here," she said grabbing his arm before he went to find the boys. "And so do I. They just—they feel like I'm being wrong to Aidan's memory by starting a relationship with you so soon. They don't know the whole story though. If they did I'm sure they would feel different."

"I know," he said as he squeezed her hand. "I'm going to go see what those two are up to," he said giving her one more kiss on the cheek before leaving the room.

* * *

John stood off to the side watching his boys play on the swing set in the back yard. Other than Natalie, the kids, and Andrew he didn't know anyone here and no one had actually came up to introduce themselves. Feeling a set of eyes on him he knew it wasn't Natalie—she'd gone to get the cake ready—and turned to see a male talking with Andrew.

He knew it had to be Aidan's brother—he could see the resemblance to the photos of him and the kids Natalie had scattered about the house. Walking over he watched as Andrew suddenly walked off, leaving the two alone, "You must be Ethan—I'm John McBain."

"I know who you are—Andrew told me you are the boys' father."

John nodded, "And I'm glad they had Aidan for a father when I wasn't around."

"You should be—my brother was a much better man that you ever would be. You call yourself a man—running and leaving a woman like her behind and then playing on her vulnerabilities to weasel your way back into their lives years later. You should be ashamed of yourself."

John said nothing—he wasn't about to start an argument with a man who didn't know the whole story, especially when his boys were just feet away playing. Seeing Ethan's wife walk out of the kitchen John excused himself to check on Natalie. As he walked into the room her saw her standing with her back to the door, a vise grip on the countertop, "Hey—you ok?"

She shook her head strongly, still not able to find her voice, "Shhh," he said as he put his arms around and hugged her tight, kissing the back of her head. It was the first time he'd actually held her since she'd been back in his life and he immediately felt her relax. "It's ok. You want to talk about it?"

Natalie turned herself while still being held and looked at him—he could see her trying to keep herself from crying. "You know—she never did really like me. But now," she paused to laugh and wipe her eyes, "Now she freaking hates me. Says I'm making a mockery of Aidan by jumping into this relationship with you.

"I told her that she didn't know the whole story. But she didn't want to hear it. Questioned did I ever love him, and how he obviously wasted the last five years of his life being with me."

John took her face in his hands, "I don't believe that for a second. I believe he enjoyed every moment he got to be a father to our boys, and a husband to you as well. And I will forever be grateful for him watching over all of you during that time," he said as he gave her a deep passionate kiss. Pulling back he could see the passion in her eyes and smiled. "There. Now that that's out of the way why don't we go out there and sing happy birthday to our daughter."

"Our?"

"Yes," he smiled brightly. "Our."

* * *

John walked back into the kitchen and smiled at the sight before him—both boys sound asleep on the couch, their movie on the television still playing. Walking over he smiled—looking towards the hallway he was surprised that Natalie hadn't come back from putting Alaina to bed and walked down to investigate.

Reaching the door he smiled at Natalie sound asleep in the rocker with Alaina still in her arms—she had looked tired after everyone had finally left. She was upset by everyone's attitude towards their relationship—and even though she tried to hide it, he knew it was upsetting her. He didn't care—they could either accept it and be a part of their granddaughter's life or walk away—there were enough people otherwise in his and Natalie's family to make up for it. This was his family now and he wasn't walking away from any of it.

Chuckling to himself he thought about how the rest of his family was sound asleep. Walking over he was actually able to pick up Alaina without waking Natalie and placed her in the crib. After getting her settled back down he walked over and touched Natalie's shoulder, "Natalie, sweetheart, wake up."

"Hmmm? Oh—hey—I just closed my eyes," she said, stretching and realizing Alaina was already in her crib.

"Sure you did," he grinned, remembering another moment when she'd been pregnant with Liam and she said she was just resting her eyes when she'd been sound asleep for a good while. He'd missed so many of those moments already and just hoped her had a million more that he would get to be a part of. "The boys are already asleep out on the couch—why don't you get in bed and I'll get them settled in."

"Are you going to stay?"

It took everything John had in him to answer the way he did, "How about another night? Soon—I promise."

Natalie nodded, she was so tired from today she didn't have it in her to actually push the issue that she wanted him lying beside her in bed tonight, "I want to say thank you—for being here today. I know it wasn't easy—but I'm glad you were here."

"I've missed so many moments already—I'm not missing anymore, ok?" he said and gave her a smile before kissing her lightly on the lips. He pulled back afterwards already feeling his body aching for more. They'd been slow enough these past few months in reintroducing himself into the boys' lives. Next time would be here soon—and there was going to be nothing slow about it.


	9. Chapter 9

A/N: Apologies for the delay-crazy work week is an understatement. The next chapter is 75% written in a notebook and just has to be typed up. Probably something by the middle of next week, unless the bottom falls out at work. Until next time-PCGirl.

* * *

John walked into Natalie's and watched as Alaina came toddling over to him—arms out reached saying "Ahn. Ahn." He smiled as he squatted down and picked her up—it had only been a week since the party and he'd missed her, missed all of them. "When did she start saying that?"

"I think a few days ago when the boys started talking non-stop about how John was taking them to their first ball game."

John grinned, Natalie had called him the other day with a suggestion—he'd missed so many firsts with the boys, but one of the things that Aidan had always wanted to do and never got a chance to was take them to a Cubs game. "I take it they are excited."

"Beyond," she laughed and turned, calling the boys, "Liam. Connor. John is here."

Liam came running out with Connor behind him holding a plastic bag, "This is for you."

"What is this?" he asked as he opened the bag and pulled out a Cubs shirt. Looking over at Natalie he saw her holding in a grin.

"The boys were upset you didn't have a shirt that matched theirs so we had to go buy you one."

"Thank you boys," he said as he put down Alaina and went to change. When he came out he stood there watching Natalie talk with the boys on how she expected them to be on their best behavior. When the conversation was over he stepped in and asked if they have their gloves and watched them run off.

"You know—the shirt doesn't look too bad on you," she grinned as she put her hand on his arm and leaned up for a quick peck. When Alaina came back over to be picked up she scooped her up, "No, sweetie—Da, I mean John's going to spend time with your brothers' today. We're going to go shopping," she said, blushing that she almost called her John's.

"Well, you two have fun. And I will see you tonight," he smiled, pausing long enough to see something in Natalie's eyes that he hadn't seen in a while, before heading off to spend some quality time with his two boys.

* * *

Natalie walked inside and put the shopping bags on the table before grabbing the phone and watching Alaina pull out her toy bucket before dialing and hearing a calming voice on the other end, "Hey, mom."

"Oh, Natalie—sweetheart, how are you?"

"Good—John took the boys to a baseball game so Alaina and I just got done with a little shopping."

"Oh that's wonderful. I know he's having a great time with them then."

"He is. The boys couldn't stop talking about it all week. And he's loving Alaina too—actually called her his daughter the other day at the birthday party," she said, smiling as Alaina brought her over a stuffed unicorn.

"That's a major step for him—especially considering everything that happened when he thought Liam wasn't even his."

"It is, but he loves it. It feels so normal again—you know? Him being around and playing the part of father to not just his kids, but another one as well."

"And what about you? Is your relationship growing any?"

"It is," she smiled, remembering the look he gave her before he left for the game. "I just—at the party I was chastised for jumping into a relationship so soon after Aidan. I was even told I made a mockery of his life and that he wasted the last five years," she said as she felt emotional over it.

"Oh sweetheart that is so far from the truth. He loved you and he loved those boys. Jess told me about the video he made you—how he told you to find happiness again, and if was with John again then that was ok. He'd be glad you found it already."

"I know. They don't realize that if both men were standing here in front of me I couldn't chose—how do you chose the man that gave you yours sons over the one that gave you your daughter?"

"You don't. I know if that with Joe and your father I could never chose one of the other—because they each gave me so many blessings. So hold onto those blessings and the memories of Aidan—that he is up there smiling down that you've found love and happiness again."

"Thanks mom," she said as she smiled down at Alaina and pushed her curls behind her ear. "I probably should go get Alaina ready for bed—the boys should be home soon."

"Ok—give them a kiss for me."

"I will," she smiled as she hung up, feeling better about the situation than she had most of the week.

* * *

Natalie heard the car pull in the driveway and smiled at the boys finally being home—when they didn't come running in after a minute she went outside to see John coming up the sidewalk carrying both sleeping boys in, "John—you should have called from the car—I would have come got one of them," she said as she got Connor from him, his arms going around her neck instantly and tangling themselves in her hair.

"I had them," he laughed.

"Yeah, until you throw your back out. What good are you then?" she joked as she went to put Connor down and he did the same with Liam.

As John got him in the bed and looked for pajama's Liam started to wake up, "Hey bud—we're home. Arms up," he said as he pulled off the baseball shirt and put on a batman night shirt. "Did you have fun today?"

"Yeah," he smiled.

"So did I," he said as Liam finished getting ready and then got under the covers. He wanted to give him a kiss goodnight—but felt it wouldn't be right. "Goodnight, buddy."

"John?" he called quietly as John reached the door.

"Yeah?"

"Are you going to be my dad?"

John felt his heart about to burst, "Why do you say that?"

"I—I'd like that,"

"I'd like that too. Get some sleep—ok?" he said as he came back over and kissed him on the forehead before leaving. As he waited for Natalie to come out he felt his heart racing—he'd felt he was getting his son back, slowly—bit by bit, and now his son wanted him to be his dad.

"He never even woke up," whispered Natalie as she closed Connor's door and then noticed the look on John's face. "Is everything ok?"

John gave a half smile, surprised at the emotions he was feeling, "Liam asked if I was going to be his dad."

"Oh, John," she said as she pulled him into a hug. When she pulled back the tears were falling, "Sorry—I—I'm emotional these days. You two always did have that connection—I guess it never went away. What did you tell him?"

"I told him I'd like to be," he said as he touched Natalie's face. "Thank you," he said as he leaned in and kissed her.

It started slowly—taking in the taste of her that he had imagined a million times over the years. It was never quite right—there was something missing and he still couldn't tell what it was, but he knew it was perfect.

As he walked her backwards to the bedroom he let his hands roam down her sides—pulling the shirt up and over her head. Taking a moment he looked at her body—it had changed some, two more pregnancies and five years would do that, but for the most part she was the exact same, "Natalie," he whispered her name.

He'd wanted to whisper it a thousand times—and figured he had in his dreams, but this time was real and as he lifted her up onto the bed he knew he was going to cherish every second of it.


	10. Chapter 10

_John knew he was dreaming—mainly because he was standing in his office watching himself work on the computer. It was his old office—the one at the LPD that he hadn't had in five years. He wondered why he would be dreaming this and then looked over to see Bo walk in._

"_John—have you talked to Natalie today?"_

"_No, I tried but she didn't answer—I must have had my time wrong for when her flight took off from London." She'd actually not been returning his calls for a few days and was beginning to start to worry, but he wasn't going to share that._

_John knew then what this was a dream of—and wished he could tell himself that it was a mistake—she wasn't dead, but like yelling at a movie on the screen it would be useless._

_Bo paused and closed the door, "There was a plane crash—a LlanAir jet from London to Llanview expected to land at 5:35 this afternoon."_

"_No, that's ridiculous, Bo. There's a mistake," he said and John watched himself take out his cell phone and saw the shake in his hand. A shake that told enough—how he was scared he had just lost his entire family. _

_When her voicemail came on he listened to himself tell her to call as soon as she got this—and that he loved her. He wondered if she'd ever listened to that message. As he watched Bo excuse himself to head over to Llanfair he watched as he rubbed his face and tried to call again and again—remembering how he clogged her cell phone until he finally gave up and went and found the bottom of a bottle._

As the scene faded from in front of him John began to wake up and wondered if this was a dream as well. Wondered if he was going to open his eyes to a motel somewhere with a woman in the bed next to him whose name he probably heard the night before, but now forgot. It was so real though—the touch, the taste, the sound of her saying his name.

But what he knew he wasn't imagining was taking both his boys to a ballgame last night—watching as they felt the excitement of their first game. He also hadn't been imagining a one year old red headed girl who already held a large spot in his heart.

Waking up more, still keeping his eyes closed, he heard her jabbering over the baby monitor and decided it was safe to open his eyes. Looking beside him he saw her—his Natalie—sleeping still. He felt like he laid there for an eternity taking her in and listening to a very talkative Alaina. They were both his—and he wasn't letting them go, he knew that before and definitely did now.

As he watched her stir he smiled when her eyes opened and looked at him, "Good morning beautiful."

"Good morning," she said as she looked at the monitor.

"She's fine—just waking up like the rest of us," he said as leaned in and kissed her deeply. "So—what are we doing?"

"I'm not sure," she laughed. "Why don't you sneak out of here, go home and get a shower, and then come back for pancakes?"

"Seriously?"

"Yes. The boys are probably asleep still—unless you want to get the fifth degree from a five year old and a seven year old. You'll be back in time to enjoy a Sunday morning with your family."

"My family," he smiled, the scenes of the dream he'd just had going through his head when he truly thought he lost everything, "I like the sound of that," he finished and kissed her deeply.

* * *

John sat in his office, his mind anywhere but work. He wanted to see Natalie—she had always been like a drug to him, one hit and he was a goner and continually wanting another. He began to reach for the phone and call her—suggest they meet for lunch and then see where that led to when a knock on his office door stopped him. When John told the officer to come in he hadn't expected him to walk in with his five year old son.

"He was downstairs asking for you."

"Yeah, thanks," he said as he got up before closing the door and squatting down to be eye level with Connor. "Hey bud—aren't you supposed to be on a field trip today?" he asked, remembering Natalie mentioned it yesterday to him.

When he got a nod he continued on with the questioning, "Did you get lost?" With a quiet no he started getting scared—it was over a mile to where the museum was at, "You walked all that way by yourself?"

"Yeah."

John let out a breath, "Ok. First let's call Mommy so she knows you are here." Dialing the phone he heard the panic in her voice and knew the school must have already contacted her, "He's with me at the station."

"What? How?"

"He says he walked. He's fine though."

"Thank God. I'm on the way."

"Ok. Natalie—calm down before you get behind the wheel—you are no good to any of us if you get into an accident."

"Sure," she said as she looked down at the speedometer and slowed down some.

Hanging up the phone he walked to his couch at sat—taking a deep breath, "Connor, come sit over here with me while we wait on your mom."

"Am I in trouble?" he asked, hanging his head.

"A little—you can't do that, ok? You know how mommy and daddy and me all work for the police?"

He nodded, "And you catch the bad guys."

"Yeah, we do. But something could have happened and we would have been sad," devastated was more like it. "So no more wandering away. Alright?"

"Alright, but it was important."

"What was?" he asked, wondering what could be so important in a five year olds mind that he had to walk all this way.

"I don't want you to be my daddy. Liam was talking about how you are going to be our daddy now, but I already have one."

"I know you do," he said as he looked back and saw Natalie coming down the hallway. "I'm going to talk to mommy—sit tight," he said as he walked out and pulled her into a fierce hug. Feeling her heart racing against his chest he whispered in her ear, "Shhh. He's fine."

"I was almost to the museum when you called—the whole way I kept thinking of Liam when he was a baby."

"But it's not," he said as he separated them and pushed her hair back away from her face. "No one pushed you off a roof and Connor got here safely."

"I know," she said as she saw the top of his head through John's office window. "And you are sure he's ok?"

"Yeah. I, uhm, already did a little parenting. Just reminded him that we deal with bad people for a living and something could have happened."

Natalie studied him, "Ok, but if he wakes up tonight with nightmares."

"I'll be over and take care of it. Sorry, I didn't think of that," he said sheepishly.

She smiled at him trying to take charge as a parent and then feeling bad when it went wrong, "Its ok. Did he say why?"

John nodded, "I'll let you handle that."

"Thanks," she said and walked in and pulled Connor into a hug. "You scared me so much, baby."

"I'm sorry, mama," he said, tears filling his eyes at seeing hers do the same.

"Just don't do that again. John says you told him why you came here—you want to tell me?" she asked as she stayed eye level with him and John walked back towards his desk to give them space.

"Liam was talking this morning about how John was going to be our daddy now. But you only need one daddy, and we already have one. I wanted to tell John that."

"Oh," she said and looked behind her at John. "You know I have two Moms, right? Grandma Viki and Grandma Roxy," she spoke and paused as she watched Connor nod. "Well, I grew up with Grandma Roxy, and I love her very much. When I was older I found Grandma Viki and you know what—it didn't change how I feel about Grandma Roxy at all."

"So I can have daddy and John also?"

"Yeah, but only if you want," she said and looked back at John who was standing there very patiently.

"Wouldn't daddy be sad if I say yes?"

"No sweetie—I don't think he'll be sad at all. I think he'd be happy for his kids. John? You want to add anything?"

"Uhm," he said as he thought of something to say—seemed to him Natalie was hitting all the points pretty well on her own. "I didn't know your dad, but from what I've heard he was a good guy—and I would be proud to get to share you with him."

Natalie wanted to laugh at John's sudden clumsiness with words. Looking back at Connor she saw him thinking it over and was again reminded of his nuances like his Uncle Michael had, "I guess that will be ok."

"Good," said John as he kneeled down to Connor who suddenly flung himself full force into John's arms. Looking over at Natalie he smiled—this was it, this was the life he'd always dreamed of and it didn't seem like anything could separate them now.


	11. Chapter 11

Natalie stood in the hallway catching up with a tech she knew that had transferred from her precinct to this one. She was waiting on John to get back from an interview and had a few minutes to burn before he met her for lunch.

They'd been talking for a few minutes—the other tech letting her know she thought a position was opening there soon and maybe she should try and transfer over. The bullpen was humming with people talking to each other, a muddle of voices that blended, but at hearing John's name be said her attention immediately turned to see a petite brunette standing there talking to one of the officers she knew.

"I was told John McBain was working here now. Is he in?"

Turning her back to the door way she tried to keep her attention on her friend while she listened in on the rest of the conversation.

"I think he's on his way back in. Can I help you with something?"

"No, only he can. Is it ok if I wait in his office?"

"Uhm," he said nervously, and looked around for some assistance.

"I'm an old friend. I'm sure he won't mind."

When he walked her to John's office Natalie felt like she was going to be sick. Had all these months been a trick? Some sort of revenge for her keeping the boys away from him all these years? She wasn't going to wait and find out though. Looking at her watch she pretended to remember something, "Crap. I totally forgot about an appointment I had. Can you tell John goodbye for me?"

"Uhm, sure," said the other tech before Natalie rushed off.

* * *

John walked from the car thinking about the past few weeks, and how he'd transitioned smoothly from being just a friend of Natalie's to a dad to the kids. He'd been good about putting the case away at the end of the day and not thinking about it—not burning the midnight oil trying to bring someone to justice who could still be brought to justice the next day.

With three kids though date night had turned into date afternoon—where on the quieter days he and Natalie would meet up at lunch and spend their lunch hour together. Sometimes they would end up at the house, sometimes the apartment he was seeing less and less of these days, and sometimes they just found a quiet bench at a nearby park and said nothing at all, going back to the days of their relationship where it really was all about their presence.

Reaching the bullpen he was surprised not to see Natalie still chatting with someone. Seeing the tech he walked over, "Hey—do you know where Natalie went?"

"Uhm, we were talking and then she said she remembered an appointment she had. Said to tell you goodbye."

"What?" he asked, confused by the wording of the message.

"Oh, and I think there's someone waiting in your office."

"Who?"

"You know, I didn't ever hear a name. Natalie and I were talking when she came in—short petite thing, brunette."

"Shit," he mumbled as he stormed to his office. Reaching the door he yelled at seeing Sam McCall standing there, "Get out!"

"John—I'm so glad you are here," she said as she went in for a hug.

"No, Sam," he said as he maneuvered around her. The only thing he needed to do right now was find Natalie. This could wait—everything else could wait except

for his family.

"This is important—just hear me out."

"No, because I don't care. I left Port Charles because I was done with it—done with trying to bring down something that you are strongly a part of." He was wasting time—he knew it, and could only thing of one thing to shut her up, "Listen, I have something I really need to take care of. Where are you staying? Can we meet up later?"

"Yeah, I guess so," she said as she scribbled an address down.

"Thanks," he said as he quickly took it and made a bee line out the door and through the bull pen.

Reaching the car he finally gave himself a second to pull out his phone, dialing hers and not surprised when she didn't answer, "Hey, it's me. I know what you saw, Natalie. I really have no clue or interest in why she is here. What I do care about is our family—the boys, Alaina, and us. Call me when you get this. I love you—only you. Please believe me."

Pulling out the lot he did some quick thinking on where she may be—he wasn't going to wait for her to call him back—not when so much was on the line.

* * *

Natalie stood there studying the name on the grave, wiping away a few tears before letting the rest fall. For Aidan being gone, for opening her heart again to John, for what might happen now with the boys if he were to walk away from this life.

"You were wrong—you know? I don't need love again. You were enough for a lifetime, Aidan Hennessy. I always knew what you were thinking—how you were feeling. With John—it's a struggle and I've had enough struggles in my life already, I don't need him.

"Sam McCall showed up at his office today. I immediately felt sick and then stupid. He played me, Aidan. Did all the right things to make me fall in love with him. And you know what? It was all a sham—some sort of revenge on me keeping the boys from him."

Hearing movement from behind her Natalie jumped and turned to see John standing there watching her.


	12. Chapter 12

John walked towards Natalie and his heart broke—everything that had happened these past months she felt was a lie, "No, it wasn't."

"John—."

He chuckled a bit, "If you are about again to tell me to leave then stop. I'm not leaving. And this was never a plan of revenge."

"No," she said with a fierce head shake. "I made the right choice that night in Port Charles. I should never have gone back on it."

"What night were you ever in Port Charles?" he asked with a slight laugh.

"Shortly after the funeral I went there. Roxy talked me into seeing you one last time—said I could read you better than anyone. And you know—I was so close to telling you we were alive. But then you called Sam—I realized how little we mattered then."

John was still confused, things were so hazy from that period, "Starr showed up right after Sam did—it was at the bar. Went off on her—both of us actually."

"Yeah," said Natalie. "You remember calling her now?"

He shook his head, "No, it wasn't Sam I called."

"You made a quick phone call and then she showed up a few minutes later. I'm not an idiot, John. I can put the pieces together."

"It was you," he said, remembering how he would sit there and call her cell phone over and over. "I called your voicemail to hear your voice. I had all these memories, but the one physical part of you I could still hold onto was hearing your voice again. Even though it was only ten seconds it meant something to me."

"And Sam showing up that night?"

"Who the hell knows. And the same with today—I don't know why she's here," he said, walking in a circle before beginning to speak again. "In the beginning she would say we had this connection."

"I really don't want to hear this, John."

"Too damn bad. In reality any connection I have with a woman is nothing compared to you. I can still remember that first day we met, the first touch when I was helping you with your pool game, that first kiss in the motel room on St Patrick's day, everything.

"For the past five years I've relieved every moment because without them there is no life for me. These past few months I've started living again—don't take it away from me again, Natalie."

Natalie realized Roxy had been right—she was the best at reading him, because she could tell it was hurting him to think she was going to take it all from him again. Maybe if she had gotten closer to him that night in Port Charles she would have seen it, instead of watching from a distance, "I won't do that."

"Thank you," he smiled as he finally stepped closer to her.

"So what did you tell Sam?"

He sighed, he really didn't want to continue a conversation about her, but knew Natalie would be persistent, "She wouldn't leave me alone—finally told her we'd meet up later—not that that is what I want at all."

Natalie nodded in understanding, "I want to see her."

"What?" he laughed. "No—absolutely not," he spoke and saw some people nearby look at them for being loud.

"If there's nothing going on—,"

"Ok, you win. But not alone. Call someone to watch the kids—I'm going with you."

Natalie rolled her eyes, "Can I at least have a little fun?"

"As long as it doesn't constitute as torture."

* * *

John walked out of the elevator holding Natalie's hand tight—he felt like this relationship was a newborn infant—so small and fragile. So much that could harm it, and he wondered if he could try one last time to talk her out of this.

They'd never made it back to work—instead went to the house and talked about his relationship with Sam. The good, the bad, the moment not so long ago that he'd had enough and went back to Llanview to sell Rodi's and start fresh.

In all of it he'd watched Natalie wipe away too many tears and now he was going to let her go head to head with Sam. How stupid was he?

At least now though he knew there was nothing Sam could use against him to try and sway Natalie to walk away—or at least he hoped he hadn't forgotten some small, stupid comment he may have made. Stopping and looking at her he took her face in his hands and kissed her deeply, "Promise me that's not the last kiss."

"It's not. I promise," she said as she pressed her lips together.

"Good," he said, taking a breath as he looked down the hall at the room Sam had told him she would be in, "Wait for my signal, ok?"

"Ok, John—go," she grinned and shoved him away.

He smiled back one more time before going blank faced and knocking on the door. When she opened the door he took one last glimpse over at Natalie before she closed the door, "What are you doing here Sam?"

"I missed you. You left so quickly—didn't even say goodbye," she said as she attempted to hug him but he put his arms out and kept her from doing so.

"Sometimes it's just better that way," he shrugged, wondering how much Natalie was listening to and again worrying how very bad of an idea this was.

"Well, you can come back now with me."

"No, I can't. There is nothing there for me that I want, Sam."

"And what? This place does? I'm in Port Charles—isn't that enough?"

"We haven't been together in years."

"Jason and I have been fighting—I don't think our marriage is going to last much longer."

"So what? You want me to wait in the wings on the off chance you two break up? And then a few months later you'll get back together again. I was there last time, Sam. I'm not doing it again."

"I don't get it, John. Why are you so against giving us another shot?"

"Because I have a family and it's not you," he said as he took a few steps back and opened the door, feeling the dread that Natalie wouldn't be there, but relaxing when he saw her.

"Oh God," said Sam as she stared at a ghost.

"You must be Sam. We actually haven't had the chance to be formally introduced," she said with a smile and walked in the room. At hearing the door shut behind her she dropped the smile and slapped Sam.

"What the hell?" asked Sam as she held her stinging cheek and looking at John for guidance who said nothing.

"That was for kissing John," spoke Natalie sharply.

"You're alive."

"Surprised?" she grinned.

"Of course. John—this is wonderful. I'm so happy for you," she said as she tried to go towards him and Natalie stopped her. "Liam is ok as well?"

"He's fine," spoke John finally since Natalie came in the room.

"Good. I know how much you've missed him. How did this happen? The plane—?"

Natalie looked over at John—the rule had always been that the people who needed to know the whole story already did—everyone else could believe what they wanted. "It doesn't matter now," he spoke strongly.

"What does matter is that we're together. That despite your inability to keep your lips off another woman's man years ago we've found our way back to each other. So you can get yourself back onto the next plane to Port Charles and leave our family alone."

"Is that what you want John? You want to end our friendship because she's back in your life. I don't know the whole story—but I'm guessing she disappeared on her own. That she's kept your son from you for these five years to get back at you for something that meant nothing.

"But it did mean something—because I remember you reaching out for me at night. I remember you telling me it was me you needed. Was that a lie?" she asked as she finally made her way past Natalie at to John.

"Whatever it was that may or may not have happened between us doesn't matter now. I know where I belong now and it's with my family. My whole family," he said as he looked beyond Sam and locked eyes with Natalie.

"How can you forgive her that easily? When she stole so those years with Liam from you."

"Because she's given me so much more," he said, remembering all the times he felt like he was at the edge of an abyss and she pulled him back. "She's my soul mate—and no matter what I'm going to love her. Goodbye, Sam," he said as Natalie walked around the other woman quietly and they took hands before leaving the room.

As they got back into the elevator he pulled her into a deep kiss and knew this was where he belonged. With no secrets or lies between them—just hearts full of love for each other and their family.


	13. Epilogue

A/N: Just wanted to give a thank you for all the reviews-I've enjoyed writing this story. Until next time-ya'll are the best-PCGirl.

* * *

"John, Liam, and Connor—if you three don't hurry up we're going to miss the plane and then Santa won't know where to deliver the presents," shouted Natalie as she stood in the living room. In reality they were taking the BE jet back to Llanview so they couldn't actually miss the plane—but John could miss greeting his Mom, Michael, and Marcie at the airport if they didn't hurry.

"Mama—Santa won't really forget that where we are, will he?" worried Connor as he ran into the room and up to her.

"No—Mommy called him and told him what we were doing this year," she smiled as she leaned down to reassure him. "What are they doing back there anyways?"

"It's a secret," he grinned, now reassured that everything would be ok. She smiled at the grin—perfectly his Uncle Mike's, and couldn't wait for the two to finally meet.

"Come on, princess—let's go see what the boys are up to," she said as she scooped up Alaina before getting to the doorway and running into John. "What are you three up to?"

"Take a seat—both of you. We want to give you two each a special present before we go."

"John," she said cautiously, unsure of where this conversation was going at the moment.

John ignored the sound in her voice and grinned as he ushered her to the couch. "Connor—you want to give your sister the gift you and Liam picked out for her?" he asked as his son handed a small box to Alaina and watched as Natalie helped open it to find an angel pendant on a gold chain.

"It's beautiful," said Natalie, touching the angel.

"Liam—tell her the story," nudged John.

Liam looked back for reassurance before talking, "Before Daddy went to heaven he told me a secret. He told me he wasn't going to be my daddy for much longer, but it was ok—because he was going to be something more important than that. He was going to be mine, and Connor's, and Alaina's guardian angel. That meant that whenever we weren't near you he was watching over us and protecting us."

Natalie wiped her eyes—the man had been amazing, but what was even more amazing was that she knew it was the truth, he was protecting their children when she and John couldn't be there.

"Isn't it pretty?" she said quietly to Alaina who decided she wanted to go to John all of a sudden.

"Liam—you have mommy's present?" he asked as he took his daughter and held her close.

When Liam handed her the small jewelry box she froze—this wasn't what she thought it was—it couldn't be. Opening it up she smiled at seeing the locket with a Celtic Knot on the front, "It's beautiful."

"Look inside," he smiled, knowing where her thoughts were a moment before. There was a third box, tucked away in his coat pocket for later. It was empty now, having given his mom back the ring years ago, but later when they had made it to Llanfair and he was standing in front of the Christmas tree again it wouldn't be.

Opening it up she smiled at seeing her kids beaming faces in it—the boys on one side, and Alaina on the other. "It's perfect."

"You like it, mama?" asked Connor.

"I love it—why don't you go get your coats on so we can get going," she said as she took the necklace out of the box and put it on. "There's only one thing wrong with this," she said as she looked down at the locket and then back at John still holding a little girl he saw and felt as his own.

"What's that?"

"Well, in seven months or so we'll have to change Alaina's picture out with one of her and her little sister—or it could be another boy, I suppose," she smiled, tears filling her eyes.

John started beaming, "Really?"

Natalie nodded, not able to talk and watched as he leaned over and gave her a kiss, Alaina giggling between the two of them.

"Merry Christmas, Natalie."

"Merry Christmas, John."


End file.
